Silmarillion Secret Diaries

by Tyellas

Cassie Claire, originator of the "Very Secret Diaries" humor/parody format, has officially said that VSD takeoffs have her approval. With this, and with credit given where it's due, here are a takeoff on that format, six Silmarillion Secret Diaries.

I originally wrote these puppies as a break for myself while I was working on a very dark story. There's a special circle in fanfiction hell for me, I just know it...

Disclaimer: These characters and Middle-Earth are the copyright of the Tolkien estate and this fan fiction is not meant to infringe on that copyright in any way.

Cirdan's Secret Diary

Cirdan's just chillin' and catchin' the waves. Dude!

Entry, uh, somethin'. Just another day at the beach, catchin' some waves, being groovy. Hear some guys up the coast at Losgar are having a barbecue so we may crash. We'll bring some wine or something. It'll be cool.

Later that day: Whoa, those sons of Fëanor are a real bummer. They do NOT know how to party.

Like, a while later: Sons of Finarfin and Fingolfin arrive, and their surfer girl sister. They're all right. We can hang. Asked them if they wanted to go snowboarding but they weren't into that for some reason.

Groovy thought of the day: Noldor who come to visit aren't into surfing, or windsurfing, or even using boogie boards. Had some brews with Fingon and chilled about it. He says the Noldor are, like, totally into their careers and don't have time to chase the waves. Told him they need to mellow out and be one with nature and stuff. They're too hung up. Now I feel totally bad for pressuring him because he told me actually the Sea hates the Noldor because of the whole Curse of Mandos thing, which sucks. To make up for that, said his folks can use the beach house any time they like.

Some funky news: That surfer girl chick went backpacking and has nailed Celeborn in Doriath. You go, girl! Too sexy for the Sons of Fëanor, and we all know it.

What's happening? Some dudes from Gondolin are hanging with us. They could have made reservations or something, y'know, we ARE kind of booked, but it's all good at the end of the day. This dude Earendil is really cool, started working at the surf shop at Eglarest. We may get a Noldor hangin' ten yet.

Aw, dude: I knew those Sons of Fëanor were a bummer. They finally came around to the Mouths of Sirion and the place looks worse than it does after the students and spring break. All because of a Silmaril. It's a piece of rock with a light in it, dudes! Freakin' get over it! Summer season is shot, had to leave the beach to go write to the insurance company, whole crew is at Isle of Balar now planning dance weekend. We will party on.

Galadriel's Secret Diary

Young Galadriel does Middle-Earth on a Shoestring.

Entry 1: At bookstore today in Tirion bought this diary and "Lonely Planet: Middle-Earth on a Shoestring." Sounds really cool! So maybe I'll keep this diary as a travel journal. Also picked up some stuff about extreme sports, which looks good; I'm a little burned out on track and field stuff, so maybe something different.

Entry 17: Well, there's been a lot of political fuss lately, but everyone knows what's up with that. I wasn't expecting it to lead to some extreme sports like battle at Aqualonde. I did pretty well but I think this smiting stuff is more of a boy thing, all this machismo going on, damn Sons of Fëanor. You'd think they would have loosened up a bit by now. We're off to Middle-Earth (so glad I got travel guide).

Entry 18: Following travel guide's advice, have crossed the Grinding Ice. Host of Fingolfin is agreed; no more winter extreme sports. Shall be writing to these Lonely Planet people with a few corrections, let me tell you, Diary. Worse, I heard we got held up because the Sons of Fëanor had barbecue and didn't invite us. Ooooooh, I'll barbecue THEM when I see them again.

Entry 23: Fingon's latest extreme-sports thing was pretty cool, that whole wall-climbing venture, and now everyone's back on speaking terms. Sons of Fëanor are now calling themselves "consultants." Clearly the Curse of Mandos lies heavy on them.

Entry 34: Me and my brother decided to chill out and go backpacking. Went to check out some surfing, then Doriath. Being in another country is so exciting - all the guys have these neat accents! Plus, met this local guy at the Menegroth backpackers, Celeborn. We went out for white mead and talked about the meaning of life and he knew this place that had live music. I'm hoping this could be more than just a vacation thing!

Entry 37: Apparently because I am half-Telerin I can hang out here in Doriath on a visa technicality. Have accepted internship with Melian to learn about warding, holistic lembas production, and being benevolent goddess-like feminine presence. Celeborn says there's a free room in his co-op if I'm okay with it being vegetarian. So this Middle-Earth thing is working out after all. Excellent!

Maedhros' Secret Diary

After a long day managing Sons of Fëanor Inc. Maedhros engages in some team-building activities.

Entry 1: New diary for Middle-Earth. Arrived at Losgar and immediately had fight with Dad about resource allocation; he wanted to burn ships (waste of investment, we can't claim insurance) and I said no. Stood to one side and pouted. This is going to be a mess to straighten out later. After all the times Fingon the Valiant has given me a ride places, you'd think Dad would have let me go and pick him up, at least. Fingon and I have loaned each other a bunch of stuff, too, and now I'm too embarrassed to ask him for those back issues of "Warrior Bonds" magazine back.

Entry 9: Dad has been axed by Balrogs. Well, that shows him what happens when you proceed without a corporate strategy. Have restructured Sons of Fëanor Inc. into suitable market-driven entity with multiple franchise locations. My esquire said I was under too much stress, gave me a massage. Very nice.

Entry 10: Haven't written in a while. You would not believe what happened. Ouch. Won't go into details, but Fingon and I are best friends again, plus he gave me magazines back and renewed my subscription as a get-well present. Mild corporate restructuring as positive P.R. move, he's technically in charge now but I'm the COO. Corporate strategy under way. Esquire currently under desk. Such a helpful young elf, will write more later.

Entry 73: Am consolidating multi-corporate entity of Elves, Dwarves, and Men towards market dominance and optimum Silmarillion acquisition. Caranthir and Celegorm tried to talk to me about my esquire being on the cover of "Warrior Bonds." Told them I don't care what someone does on their time off as long as they're 100% behind the team. So like them; they didn't bother to open the magazine and see the layout we did. And they were wondering why I had more elf-troops than they do! Shows what they know about PR. At least one of the Sons of Fëanor knows how to party, so there.

Entry 79: Market dominance attempt failed due to large dragons and corporate espionage, now known as Nirnaeth Aenordiad. Have lost our noble CEO and friend Fingon. Even my esquire was vexed about declining value of stock options. We talked it out later and he says he's behind me all the way. Off so that he can prove that.

Eöl's Secret Diary

Eöl learns how to pick up chicks from the Dwarves. Score!!!

Entry 1: Made a few swords today. Find this very soothing, for some reason.

Entry 6: Even though the Sons of Fëanor have moved into the neighborhood, I still get invited to dwarf feasts. Apparently the Sons of Fëanor do not know how to party. Yesterday, we all had maybe too much to drink, and I wound up discussing elvish warrior-bonds with Telchar. Telchar said us elves were getting a bit of a reputation for that and gave me some advice on how to pick up chicks.

Entry 10: Score!!!! Telchar's advice worked. This gal Aredhel stopped by to ask for directions. A glass of wine, a few dwarf pick-up lines, and it turns out it isn't only elvish warrior men into illicit spanking games. Rrrowrr.

Entry 43: Am getting hitched to Arrie. Both agree we don't want a big wedding. Only disadvantage is haven't made any swords in weeks. Sons of Fëanor are sore about me marrying their cousin. Excuse me? Aren't they related? Why are they so pouty?

Entry 54: Dwarves sent congratulatory fruit basket on news of birth of son. Will think of a name for him one of these days. Glindur? Moerlig? Matthew? Must do better than that. Everyone is calling their kids "Glindur" right now.

Entry 55: Put this diary in a drawer and forgot about it a few years. Sorry, Diary! Finally named son, Maeglin, and he's grown up to be quite the handsome young elf-warrior. A smith just like his dad, of course. Notice that he's making a lot of swords lately. Must have a father-son talk with him soon.

Entry 56: Father-son talk went extremely well. More sympathetic to sons of Fëanor now about the "related" thing. Didn't make it past elf warrior-bonds, but can fill him in on the rest later. Will be talking about the illicit spanking games part tomorrow.

Entry 65: Flatly refused to let Maeglin visit Sons of Fëanor. The kid is enough of a workaholic already. Will come back discussing profit margins and resource disembursement and wearing starched surtots, I just know it.  Might have been a little bit strict and he's pouting now, but don't know what his problem is. Kids today.

Entry 69: Damn dwarves were right about the warrior-bonds thing. Went to blow off some steam with them, came back early so Arrie wouldn't complain, Maeglin has left with a) Arrie and b) my sword. Must give him points for style. Will pack up the bondage equipment and a few other gewgaws and hit the road. More when I get back.

Idril's Secret Diary

Does Idril get what she wants? Yes, pumpkin.

Entry 450: Terrible day here in Gondolin. Am following up on my resolution to be nicer to people. Huge amounts of psychodrama before Daddy's throne when his dippy sister shows up, her psycho ex follows, and her creepy son looks at me as if I was a particularly toothsome piece of lembas. Has anyone TOLD him we're cousins? Decide to be nice about psycho ex and Daddy goes and throws him off the edge anyway. As part of nice campaign do not join in betting on how many times he will bounce. Very irritating because I would have been in the winners pool (three bounces.)

Entry 455: Daddy says I must be nice to Maeglin in particular because he has Issues. I'll say he's got issues. The full back issue list of "Warrior Bonds" in chronologically ordered black leather binders. Admit that I took a peek at the issue where Cirdan talks about his hot affair with Osse.

Entry 672: Some mortals have come to visit. They're so cute! One of them has this adorably furry face. Have I mentioned that they're cute? Asked Daddy to seat them next to me at the high table and he said, "Yes, pumpkin."

Entry 701: How sad, those cute little mortals are gone. Did like having them around; gave Maeglin somebody else to glare at besides me. Have suspended my nice campaign after Maeglin pinched my behind; I cracked and smote him one with Daddy's axe Dramborleg. I think this only encouraged him. Pervert.

Entry 731: Have decided I trust Maeglin as far as I could throw him; did the math; decided I trust him less than that. To amuse myself am doing engineering project, tunnel out beneath city, just for a lark. Daddy never thought girls had any aptitude for engineering. Will show him.

Entry 792: We've got another mortal come to visit already! And forget cute; this one's a studmuffin. Taller than the other two AND more facial hair. Rrrowrr. Unfortunately I think he heard Maeglin's comment about dwarf-beards, because he says he's going to shave tomorrow.

Entry 793: Apparently mortals' facial hair grows back within 24 hours in fine stubbly prickly sensuous tempting layer that cries out to be stroked by the fingers of elven-women. Ahem. Am going to go have cold bath now.

Entry 819: Managed to corner Tuor in tower of house of Turgon and pounced on him to try this kissing-with-stubble experience. After a couple of hours of that, marched in and told Daddy I am marrying studmuffin mortal. Is his usual oblivious self and says "Yes, pumpkin."

Entry 849: Wedding very nice, wedding night even nicer, wedding presents usual collection of horrors. Still trying to assemble Maeglin's irritating juicer. Damn Sindar instructions. Have told Tuor we are not using the spices in the spice rack Maeglin gave us after I sprinkled some on the marble table and it dissolved. He said "Yes, pumpkin." Good to see he's a fast learner.

Maeglin's Secret Diary

Maeglin just has to think positive.

Entry 256: Terrible day here in Gondolin. Awful moustachioed ex-thrall showed up in Uncle T's old gear. Name is Tuor or Huor or something, can't be bothered to keep humans' names straight. Went through damn production number with damn showboat Ecthelion too, over at damn Gate of Steel (which I forged, thank-you-very-much). Nobody got any work done. At dinner, had to deal with Idril showing ex-thrall how to use a fork and giggling over his mustache. Swept from hall in grave silence, came back to room to pout.

Entry 257: Slightly better day. Father always said the thing about being a smith was that you got your frustrations out at work. Melted, hammered, and seared things, and nobody can see pouting at forge behind my protective dwarf-mask. Ex-thrall has shaved in an attempt to appear like a slightly civilized person, such a relief.

Entry 258: Have to put up with Idril cooing over ex-thrall's stubble all day. Is quite clear what he's got that I don't have. Why can't she have normal fetishes? Clearly needed stricter upbringing and more attention from her father. Could straighten her out if she'd only give me a chance. Forged a few cunning devices in case I get that chance. Am sure she'd like them.

Entry 432: Ooooooo, hate that ex-thrall. Cannot believe Uncle T is letting him marry Idril. At least this proves that, as I suspected, Idril must be secretly kinky. Must plan annoying wedding present and long-term vengeance. Difficult-to-clean custom-forged juicer? Poison? Combine the two?

Entry 576: Sometimes a day starts out badly and by the end of it, hey! 8 AM: Kitchen was out of my favorite herbal tisane at the daymeal. Ex-thrall, even more unshaven than usual, says he is growing a goatee. Apparently Idril likes it. Says it tickles. 9 AM: Sneak out of town. 10 AM: Snagged by Orcs. 1 PM: Presented to Dark Lord, threatened with torment. Laugh hollowly at Torments A, B, and C. Had something there with Torment D, however. Ick. 2 PM: Damn, Dark Lord is up on gossip. Wants directions. 3 PM: Dark Lord is very understanding about the way Gondolin is mismanaged. Agrees about Idril being kinky, offers some interesting suggestions. 4 PM: Have set up time for Dark Lord to come over for rape, pillage, change of management, and maybe drinks after. 7 PM: Back in time for plotting with secret cabal. Excellent day overall.

So it just goes to show that I should stay optimistic and think positive!


Please do not reproduce this story without permission.

Feedback or comments on this story are welcome - email Tyellas here.



Click here to send feedback.


Maybe you'd also like Elf Slash Sarcasm!